Death of a Hero

“So, Lightning Rodney’s dead.”

“Lightning Rodney? Who the heck is that, some sort of Mexican wrestler?”

“Not quite. You never heard of him? He was that superhero.”

“A superhero?”

“Yes.”

“Named...Lightning Rodney?”

“Yes.”

“...What was his superpower?”

“Well, he was sort of like that made-up superhero, the Flash, more or less.”

“More or less? So, he ran fast?”

“Well, yeah, he ran fast, only he couldn’t do it all the time. You see, Lightning Rodney could only run like that when he was under a certain weight.”

“And what weight was that?”

“How the hell should I know? All I know is he figured it out. But it was hard for him to stay below that weight.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, he lost as much weight as he realistically could before losing most of his muscle mass. I mean, if he lost too much muscle, he probably wouldn’t have been able to run like he did, so he had to improvise; he had to lose as much weight as he could in other ways.”

“Meaning...?”

“Clothes; he didn’t wear any clothes, minus really good running shoes.”

“...Are you joking? You mean to tell me Lightning Rodney was a superhero who ran around really fast, so long as he was naked?”

“Well, not quite. That still wasn’t enough. He really had to be creative to get his weight down...Did you see that?”

“See what?”

“I don’t know...The moon...lit up for a second there...”

“Really?”

“I thought so. Anyway, it must have been my imagination. Where was I?”

“Being naked wasn’t enough for Lightning Rodney.”

“Oh, right. Like I said, losing his clothes didn’t quite get him down to the weight he needed to be in order to run like the wind, so he had to trim off everything he could. He did what he had to; he trimmed his hair.”

“And that made him light enough?”

“Well, he shaved his head completely, and he had to shave and pluck all the hairs out of his body. Oh, and his nails. They had to be trimmed down as much as possible.”

“So, he couldn’t run really fast until he was naked and hairless?”

“Precisely.”

“Interesting. So, how did he end up dying?”

“Well, Lightning Rodney was weakest in the morning, immediately after waking up, since his hair grew while he slept. He had to get up and shave and pluck and everything before he was able to run really fast. Turns out, some of his enemies figured this out as well, and that’s when they surprised him.”

“Oh, so that’s how he died; they got him while he was slow.”

“Not exactly. Like, they did break into his house and who knows what they were planning to do to him once they were there, but he didn’t die by the hands of his enemies. No, Lightning Rodney sort of did himself in.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You see, apparently he heard them break in or whatever, and he decided to make his move and get out of there.”

“But wasn’t he heavy and slow?”

“Yes, but he figured he needed to lose a bit of weight quickly and then he’d be fine. So, he grabs a knife and stabs himself in one of his main arteries.”

“Oh my. Why on earth would he believe that was a good idea?”

“Well, I guess he figured he would lose enough blood to be able to run fast then he’d make it to a hospital in time for them to patch him up, and that’s what he tried to do. From what I gather, once he was light enough to run quickly, he ran with his wound facing forward in so that the pressure would hold his blood in. I think it worked, since they didn’t find any blood in his path to the hospital.”

“Well, if it worked, how’d he die?”

“Like I said, he made it to the hospital, but then no one was ready for him. Lightning Rodney bursts in the emergency doors and stops running. He barely has the time to yell, ‘Help me,’ or something like that and the blood starts gushing out again. Without the pressure holding it back, the blood just sprays all over everyone; the nurses and all the patients waiting in the room get covered in Lightning Rodney’s blood. He didn’t have a chance by that point.”

“Well, that’s too bad. Now we have one less naked superhero.”

“Yeah, I agree...Wait, turn around. Check out the moon. It’s starting to glow again.”

“You’re right. It keeps getting brighter and brighter. And what’s that sound?”

Voip. Sizzle.