Monday, July 27, 2009

August Quotation

"The saddest day I came across was when I learned that life goes on without me."
- Tomas Kalnoky

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Death of a Hero

“So, Lightning Rodney’s dead.”

“Lightning Rodney? Who the heck is that, some sort of Mexican wrestler?”

“Not quite. You never heard of him? He was that superhero.”

“A superhero?”


“Named...Lightning Rodney?”


“...What was his superpower?”

“Well, he was sort of like that made-up superhero, the Flash, more or less.”

“More or less? So, he ran fast?”

“Well, yeah, he ran fast, only he couldn’t do it all the time. You see, Lightning Rodney could only run like that when he was under a certain weight.”

“And what weight was that?”

“How the hell should I know? All I know is he figured it out. But it was hard for him to stay below that weight.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, he lost as much weight as he realistically could before losing most of his muscle mass. I mean, if he lost too much muscle, he probably wouldn’t have been able to run like he did, so he had to improvise; he had to lose as much weight as he could in other ways.”


“Clothes; he didn’t wear any clothes, minus really good running shoes.”

“...Are you joking? You mean to tell me Lightning Rodney was a superhero who ran around really fast, so long as he was naked?”

“Well, not quite. That still wasn’t enough. He really had to be creative to get his weight down...Did you see that?”

“See what?”

“I don’t know...The moon...lit up for a second there...”


“I thought so. Anyway, it must have been my imagination. Where was I?”

“Being naked wasn’t enough for Lightning Rodney.”

“Oh, right. Like I said, losing his clothes didn’t quite get him down to the weight he needed to be in order to run like the wind, so he had to trim off everything he could. He did what he had to; he trimmed his hair.”

“And that made him light enough?”

“Well, he shaved his head completely, and he had to shave and pluck all the hairs out of his body. Oh, and his nails. They had to be trimmed down as much as possible.”

“So, he couldn’t run really fast until he was naked and hairless?”


“Interesting. So, how did he end up dying?”

“Well, Lightning Rodney was weakest in the morning, immediately after waking up, since his hair grew while he slept. He had to get up and shave and pluck and everything before he was able to run really fast. Turns out, some of his enemies figured this out as well, and that’s when they surprised him.”

“Oh, so that’s how he died; they got him while he was slow.”

“Not exactly. Like, they did break into his house and who knows what they were planning to do to him once they were there, but he didn’t die by the hands of his enemies. No, Lightning Rodney sort of did himself in.”


“Yeah. You see, apparently he heard them break in or whatever, and he decided to make his move and get out of there.”

“But wasn’t he heavy and slow?”

“Yes, but he figured he needed to lose a bit of weight quickly and then he’d be fine. So, he grabs a knife and stabs himself in one of his main arteries.”

“Oh my. Why on earth would he believe that was a good idea?”

“Well, I guess he figured he would lose enough blood to be able to run fast then he’d make it to a hospital in time for them to patch him up, and that’s what he tried to do. From what I gather, once he was light enough to run quickly, he ran with his wound facing forward in so that the pressure would hold his blood in. I think it worked, since they didn’t find any blood in his path to the hospital.”

“Well, if it worked, how’d he die?”

“Like I said, he made it to the hospital, but then no one was ready for him. Lightning Rodney bursts in the emergency doors and stops running. He barely has the time to yell, ‘Help me,’ or something like that and the blood starts gushing out again. Without the pressure holding it back, the blood just sprays all over everyone; the nurses and all the patients waiting in the room get covered in Lightning Rodney’s blood. He didn’t have a chance by that point.”

“Well, that’s too bad. Now we have one less naked superhero.”

“Yeah, I agree...Wait, turn around. Check out the moon. It’s starting to glow again.”

“You’re right. It keeps getting brighter and brighter. And what’s that sound?”

Voip. Sizzle.


The Walmart doors opened as a man entered. He stopped a few feet into the store and raised his hands.

"Bryan is coming!" he said loudly to all who would listen. In this case it was the greeter and the few people at the courtesy desk. They all stared at him as he continued, "And he brings popcorn!"

Then he strode purposefully out of the store. The greeter smiled nervously at the customers across from where he stood. After nervously returning his smile, everyone went back to what they were doing, the incident largely ignored.

About a half hour later, another man entered the store. This one held a large blue bowl in his hands. He raised it above his head and loudly proclaimed: "I am Bryan, and I have popcorn!"

At this point, everyone within hearing range felt a massive headache come on. But they only had a moment to wonder about it as their heads exploded. All you could hear was the sound of popcorn popping and bodies hitting the floor, until finally there was silence. After a long moment, Bryan took a large handful of popcorn from the bowl. Smiling, he said into the silence, "That will show them to mock my theories!" And he strode out of the store, laughing the whole way out.