Monday, July 26, 2010

August Quote

“First Lady, I’m sorry I pimp slapped you into that china cabinet.”

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Twisting the Hedgehog

"So, welcome to my humble proposal. As you know, I like video games, and don't we all?

Ahem. Anyway, I know if anyone can pull this off, it's going to be you. You know how to use the computer right? Video games are made on computers, aren't they? Then it's settled!

See, I have this great idea - this GREAT idea - it's going to blow your lid, and you're going to wonder why it hasn't been done before; Seriously. You see, when I play some games, I get to having myself a few games that hold a place in my heart. You might even say they are my favourite games, you might. Anyway, I have an awesome, totally original idea for a game I know you're gonna love. Seriously.

So, it starts like this. There's this princess right? But she's also a robot, a robot that was once an animal. But she wears this pink dress and is never in castles you look. Hell, she's never in castles at all, because some big crime syndicate stole her away from you. You - whom I so eagerly divulge, being the hero of this story. So anyway, these guys named Bimmy and Jimmy;

What? Billy and Jimmy? Well, no, I'm pretty sure its Bimmy and Jimmy. Why would I lie?

So, uh, well... crap. Anyway, I can't remember what the deal with them was, but I know they ended up dead because of Dracula. Oh, and you don't have to worry about Dracula in this game because someone already whipped him to death. I know - Kinky, right? Well, that was in the games back story, which we will make into a game later. I know, genius, right? Aha!

Okay. So, that leaves us with you, the hero. You're a chief of some sorts. Exceptional chief? Unparalleled chief? Anyway, your name doesn't matter, cause you have this awesome red beret and a blue spiky spine and I think you can also play the guitar. Wait, scratch that, you DO play the guitar. This is my idea, of course I know what's going on!
Also, you have a base in the woods, but its not really the woods. It's actually a secret to everyone, and there's a woman living there. A woman whom happens to be wearing a - get this - a suit made from bird people! Or, is it by bird people? Whatever, she's hot and will be the main sell point of this game. We'll put her on the cover.
Where was I? Oh! I forgot the most important part! You (as the hero, dummy!) are actually from outer space. A gorilla alien with guerrilla combat skills.

Oh, and the story? I'll tell you the hero's motivation and turmoil right now. I'll just lay it on the table and that will be that.

So, an old monkey tells you that the princess (Remember her? Yeah!) is in distress, but that he just mentions that to you because he has a newspaper and doesn't give two licks if you save her or not. He just wants you to find some damn bananas or something, it doesn't matter. Anyway, Incredible Chief (You! Referring to you in the game) is more interested in doing exactly the opposite of what is asked of him, which is basically to start a wild-western war. Don't worry about the details, I did a lot of research, so I know what I'm talking about.
But anyway, it is incidental that his quest brings him to try to rescue this princess. In the end, he'll accidentally kill her, shortly forget why he was doing anything at all that day (aside from sleeping in) and quickly return home to his bird-killing girlfriend (which he actually just wishes was his girlfriend.)

And we will make millions. So, when can you get started?"

The pair of orderlies reeled their heads away from the doors window.

"There you have it. He just keeps repeating that same idea every single night. It just keeps getting more twisted the more he does it.
Honestly though, I liked it better when the heroes were the Battletoads. I fucking loved Battletoads."