Friday, January 9, 2009

The Adventures of Seth Dragonkiller: Legendary Cabbage Farmer

In the annals of cabbage farming history, one man stands out above all others. One whose strength, tenacity, and sheer dedication to his art and craft set him above the rest. In his time he was worshipped as a god - indeed to this day there are some who claim he was a god who strode the earth in human form... and verily, he did farm cabbages.

These are his stories...

"Seth... they're in the cabbages again!" Sethe awoke with a stir. He yawned loudly and stretched. He was wiping his eyes wearily as another tremor shook the ground and a support beam from his ceiling landed on the end of his bed with a terrible commotion. His wife Lucinda was frantic in the other room, looking out at the window no doubt.

"Where's my clothes?" He asked absently, finding an empty closet which was usually a sign that laundry was being done.

"It's in the wash!" Came the reply. Earthquakes and pre-dawn screamings usually meant one thing: dragons. It just figured it'd be laundry day.

Now its a well known fact that dragons are typically carnivorous and that their natural prey are princesses. Unfortunately short-sighted conservation laws had led to a radical increase in the dragon population and consequently, a corresponding collapse of the native princess stock. Naturally the dragons turned to their traditional secondary food source - virgins - but it didn't take long for the peasantry to get wise to this and pretty soon there wasn't one to be found for miles around. Really it was an ecological mess. Still dragons, as it turned out, really loved cabbages. It was like it was some sort of drug for them, maybe not as delicious as princesses, but still they seemed to flock from hundreds of miles just for a taste.

Now in a working ecological setup, the dragon population would be held in check by their natural predators: valiant knights. Unfortunately while all this was happening there was also a shift in the valiant knight population. Scholars around the kingdom had tried to discover the mystery of the missing valiant knights but it remained an enigma to even the greatest of sages and wizards.

Seth's stocked into the kitchen - breakfast was half finished and Lucinda was leaning out the window, one hand gripping the shutter and the other shaking in anger at the curmudgeony dragons rooting through their cabbages while she screamed vivid profanity at them: it was a well known fact that despite their enormous size, almost impenetrable hides, and enormous prides, they were surprisingly sensitive creatures. Still these ones seemed to be too hungry to have their pride stung by even the strongest words. Taking his trusty sword in hand, he kicked open the door and stepped outside to face the dread beasts digging up his garden.

Brandishing his sword up high, its blade glinting against the heavens he called upon the ancient protection of the gods of cabbages to guide him in this coming battle, intoning the ancient words."Hey! You there! Git! Go on... git!"

Dragons were often described as magnificent, or sinister or something along those lines... usually one or the other based on the proximity of the dragon to the commentator. The three dragons in Seth's gardens were huge beasts, each nearly a hundred feet in length but they really couldn't be called anything like that. Something about cabbages... really it was inexplicable - their snouts were pressed right up against the ground as they moved their heads up and down in rows over the cabbage fields, making vague snorting and chewing noises as they went. Initially they seemed unconcerned but when Seth spoke the magic words they looked up. Their guilty eyes stared at him, their surprised expressions betrayed their guilt at being caught in the act of doing cabbages: their faces dripping with cabbage juice and their snouts still lined with dirt.

"I said git!" He waved his sword about, trying to look taller than he was. He could never remember whether that was dragons or hyenas - either way it couldn't hurt.

Rather than back off, one of them took a great breath and breathed a great gout of flame. Deftly he lept out of the way, though the huge blast of fire vapourized his house instantly. Still he knew that breathing fire was a sign that this dragon had no intention of being shooed. In dragon social hierarchy, breathing fire was a sign of challenge. Of course it was also meant to kill the challengee, but then, no one ever said dragons fought fair. Seth gripped his sword tighter and lept into the fray.

"I shall slay you beast!" And verily the dragon, who had turned back to addressing its precious cabbages - assuming the cabbage farmer to have been reduced to vaporous ash - was incredibly surprised when Seth was not only not a cripsy pile of smouldering flesh and not only that his trusty sword penetrated its impenetrable hide, but also that it struck straight to its heart. Flailing in its dying throes, Seth was hurled back - how far he could not tell. Though when he rolled to his feet he could see the other two dragons flying off into the distance, their cackling voices swearing vengeance.

Seth turned and looked back on the smoking crater that was his house. Still, he thought, staring out over the glistening fields of cabbages - with the price of cabbages being what they were he could have another one built, a thousand more! And certainly there was no end to available young women willing to marry someone as fabulously wealthy as a cabbage farmer. He smiled.

Really, cabbage farming was far more lucrative than being a valiant knight ever had been.

1 comment:

Shauna said...

lol!!!!! This is awesome!!!!!! I loved it!!!!