Tuesday, November 3, 2015


“Sir?  What are you doing here?”

“Why isn’t it obvious, Tad (not Ted)?”  Mr. Decker perched onto a bar stool.  “I am in need of a stiff drink.”

Tad (not Ted) gestured at the puddle of water on the floor.  “But sir, shouldn’t you be somewhere dry?”

“That is entirely the problem, Tad (not Ted). I daresay I am entirely too dry.”  Mr. Decker pointed at the bottle of Macallan whiskey.  “I intend to remedy that problem presently.”

Tad (not Ted) brought a shot glass up to the bar.  “But sir, shouldn’t you be on one of the lifeboats?”

“Plenty of time for that, my boy,” Mr. Decker said, waving away Tad (not Ted)’s protest.  “Now I’ll tell you what.  I intend to engage in some record breaking drinking.  And you may watch so long as every time I set my glass down empty there is a full one ready to take its place.”

Shaking his head, Tad (not Ted) grabbed the bottle Mr. Decker was still pointing at and poured the first glass.  “Mrs. Decker may not approve of your record breaking.”

“My self-styled ‘better half’ disembarked long before this present mess.” Mr. Decker gestured at the water, which was now up to Tad (not Ted)’s ankles.  “She has decided a trip to Haiti was preferable to spending another moment in my company.”  Mr. Decker slammed the dark liquid back.  As requested, Tad (not Ted) had another glass at the ready for him. 

“Perhaps some time apart will do you both good?”

“I believe you’re wrong there, Tad (not Ted).  I daresay Mildred is going to divorce me.  She’ll go after at least half of my fortune.”

“You can’t know that, sir.”

Mr. Decker slammed back another drink.  “You haven’t known that woman as long as I have, Tad (not Ted).”  He picked up the drink that was waiting for him on the bar and slammed that back, too.  “Knowing her I’ll be lucky if she only goes after half.”

Mr. Decker slammed back the fourth drink.  “Perhaps I need to find some other way out of this mess.  One that can avoid me being financially ruined.” 

Tad (not Ted) already had the fifth shot poured.  “Well sir, what if she were caught in some unsavoury company?”

Mr. Decker snorted as he downed the shot in his hand.  “My dear Tad (not Ted), clearly you do not know my Millie.  She would never associate near anyone ‘unsavoury.’  No, the only way I could easily get her to leave is if I no longer had any money.”

Tad (not Ted) laughed, pouring a sixth shot while Mr. Decker grabbed the fifth.  “I know how to get you started with that, sir.  Just buy this sinking vessel!”

Mr. Decker paused before the drink made it up to his lips.  “Why I do believe you’re onto something Tad (not Ted).  If I could buy a few bad investments like this, maybe I can convince her I’m financially ruined!”

Tad (not Ted) frowned.  “I don’t think-”

He put the drink down hurriedly.  “Now you mustn’t tell anyone at all about this, Tad (not Ted).  It’ll be our little secret.”  He jumped to his feet, ignoring the water that was now up to his knees as he dug through his pocket for his wallet.  Throwing down some bills, he turned to leave, then turned back and downed the final shot.

“Of course not, sir.”  Grabbing the bill, Tad (not Ted) turned to stow the whiskey back into its place on the shelf.  “Mrs. Decker does seem rather clever though, sir.  Do you really think this will work?”

“Of course it will, Tad (not Ted).  I daresay, the only way she’ll be able to stop me is if she learns voodoo while she’s in Haiti!”  Mr. Decker turned and started wading once again towards the doorway.  “Now come, Tad (not Ted).  Let’s get off this boat before we sink with my fortunes.”


Shauna said...

This was written for Gustavo B. Rockwell. Hope you like it!

Gustavo B. Rockwell said...

I daresay, reading this, it feels like this old bean's birthday!